Willingness to change

Once again I sit in front of a white screen wondering why I steadfastly refuse to pull out a notebook when a good idea crosses my mind. In the moment I think to myself, hmm, that is a very good idea. I should write that tomorrow! Maybe I should write that down. Naw, I will remember. And then of course, I don't.

My plan is like that. I am constantly bombarded with thoughts and intuitions which if acted upon or remembered would greatly enhance my life. Instead I routinely discard them thinking I know better. I will use my great big brain to quiet that little voice because the little voices mean I delusional anyway.Ride that plan of yours, you made it so it as to be a good one. All evidence to the contrary you are really winning here. Just keep going with your way, all will be wonderful!

And at the end of an extended multi-year plan implementation of my plan I stood unemployed, unemployable, demoralized, hopeless and sick with a heart issue that was giving me months in remaining lifespan. The hole I looked into was not that deep, only 6 feet, but contained a wooden box with a lid that was not possible to climb out of. I had reached a point where I had only two remaining choices, die or change. Neither was palatable. But one less so and still being selfish I chose living.

For me living meant changing everything. Conceding that in business as in life I had been completely powerless, that my life was absolutely unmanageable. Believing that power was available for the asking to solve my problems but there would be a cost to accessing it. I was told the cost would be returned immeasurably if I was to follow this new path. I had only to agree to stop driving my own bus. And start reiterating this new thought. "I am a willing participant in my own change. I have no need to know what the new me will be, just that it will be different. That somehow if I can lose this selfishness, I will be able to understand and follow life true directions. That if the results of my past are resolved I will tell others about this change in me and help them to achieve it themselves." I think had about what this means and if I am truly ready I will embark upon a journey like none I have every taken before.

I did this and knew I had to keep going. To place one foot after the other on this new path.Not knowing where it would take me, other than away from the disaster I had created for myself. Immediately I began to feel something odd. It was very small. Almost like the background radiation in the universe. I could not put a description to it yet but it was there nonetheless. It felt vaguely warming, comforting even peaceful. Today I understand what it was as it grows within me still. The feeling is hope.

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