Circular questions

An unusual situation happened a few nights ago to me. I couldn't stop thinking. As I lay there in bed my mind just wouldn't stop or even slow down. The longer I went the more I tried to shut it off. And the worse it got. Because in trying to stop thinking about something I would think about something else. Fixing bad thinking with more bad thinking! I last remembered seeing 3:30 AM before my 6:00 AM alarm vibrated its message to awaken me. And after an additional 10 minutes of torturing myself I finally got up.

For years I misunderstood what was meant by unmanageability. I thought that what was not manageable was the amount of money in my bank preventing paying a bill. Or the once more spurning of my affections by her! Actions and reactions all around me that I have no control over. Or, I am unable to manage those events around me. This I understood to be the problem in my life. Transitioned into the business world  my lack of ability to manage a decision out of a client was the problem. The reaction of my boss to my unmanageability of the client base was also outside the range of my control. 

The same question to alls these situations comes from both sides. Why? Why can't I sleep, Why can't I put enough money in the bank, why are you not listening... Why, why, why...

Maybe the question why is the problem?

My life has been a series of conditioning events. Action, reaction and result lead to understanding, or so I believed. If I do this, you will do that, if you do the other than I will follow up with a new thought. And on and on and all without us ever interacting. All of this taking place in my head. Oh and don't let me forget that when I simply can't leave well enough alone in my own crazy thinking, I like to pull you into the internal discussions and generally argue with you, even if you think the same as me!

Maybe whats unmanageable is not the other people in my life, possibly its only my thinking about it that's the problem. Worry, fear, guilt and remorse typically drive any or all of this non-compliant thinking. And when it becomes too much, when I cannot think another second about why you think I'm the worst salesman ever and will be immediately throwing me out of your office on arrival, I mentally run and hide. I flip on the radio and listen to someone else talking instead of the voice in my head. Or I pick up a book, or flip on the TV and fall into a Netflix series for hours on end. I used to drink these thoughts away, or at least try to. I have used food, fantasy and spending to try and run from my thinking. None of these have worked and most have exacerbated the problem. (ever notice exacerbate is one of those words that make you chuckle, I think its the erbate part). Giving me new reasons to worry and dwell.

So, the real problem may not be my powerlessness that I described in earlier blogs, but the unstoppable thinking that the lack of power brings about. Hmmm... if this is a circular question where do you start on the answer.... oh no...

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